I’m a professional writer. Now, what should I write about?

On Sunday I had a phone “interview” with the editor of Autosavant.net. He had posted on Autosavant.net that the site was looking for additional contributors, and requested a short email from people who were interested.

I replied, we set up a phone conversation for Sunday, and now he’s waiting for my first piece, which I promised him by the end of the week. Great. As a car guy, I’ve always wanted to be a bit of an automotive journalist. Here is my chance. There’s just one problem. I can’t think of anything to write about.

I’m afraid the demand for posts about a Saab 900 has pretty much been satisfied by the saablog. And there are only about six of you who like to read my gripes about drivers of inferior products. So what relevant auto-related topic should I be writing about?

Learn to drive, jackass!

Dear Dark Green Camry operator-

Thank you for making a right turn onto my street so wide that it forced me onto the shoulder this evening in order to avoid being hit by your crappy, ugly car. Without clueless, inconsiderate, unsafe drivers like you I wouldn't have anything to write about on my blog. I don't really mind drivng through the grass and gravel in my nice, clean Volvo, treating my wife and daughter to an off-road adventure. I needed a good excuse to test out my V70R's razor-sharp steering, as well as a reason to wash the car this weekend.

I hope that the next time you do that, another Camry is coming down the street instead of me in my Volvo. Because all of you Camry operators are such poor drivers, it will certainly wreck both of your cars, making our streets safer by getting you and your junky, poorly driven cars off of the roads.

Thanks again-
Mr. Anti-Camry

Selling a dented tan Corolla

My neighbors across the street are moving to the midwest. Their banged up tan Camry is already back there. Their Corolla is across the street, in their driveway, for sale.

So far, I've seen several people over "kicking the tires", asking questions, poking around, making offers well below the $7000 asking price. My neighbor complained to me that the book value is $7500, and asked me why people were offering just $6000 and complaining about the floor mats being dirty.

So, neighbor, let me tell you why:

1. There is a huge dent in the front fender just in front of the driver's door. And the right rear corner/bumper is caved in. Who wants to spend $7k on a dented Corolla? Who wants to spend that much on anything so dented? You can buy a perfectly good Saab 9-3 turbo for that price, which is just as reliable, infinitely more stylish, and actually fun to drive.

2. Your car is certainly a mess inside. You clean it twice a year (with a power washer) and there is visible garbage in the back window.

3. You have no service records, since you did all of the service by yourself in your driveway.

4. The passenger side headlamp is out. I noticed it last Thanksgiving, and it is still out.

5. Last night I saw you drive away with a full-sized couch tied to the roof of the car. If I were a prospective buyer I'd run the other way.

6. The wheels are cheap stamped metal whose paint is flaking off.

So summarize, dear neighbor, people aren't offering you very much money for your car because it is dented and junky. It isn't worth the Blue Book "good" amount because it isn't in good condition. You'll be lucky to get rid of it!

Hall of Shame

I'm proud to introduce a new feature to Anti-Camry. I'm calling it the Hall of Shame.

Hall of Shame posts will feature what we've come to know as the status quo in Camryland... the junky cars and ones parked "just like a Camry."

Tonight's Hall of Shame is courtesy of my family's walk to the local library. My daughter got to touch all the stuff in the library that every kid in town has already coughed on; while my wife and I got an eyefull of these two prime examples of today's Toyotas:

Exhibit A: Parking... those lines are really just a suggestion, right?

Exhibit B:

There's a whole world of these poorly driven, dented Toyotas, piloted by a legion of cluless idiots. So you're sure to see another Hall of Shame post very soon.

Big Brother-san is watching!

Just as Toyota has created a committee of people to make their cars more interesting, they've now got a guy who they're paying to read peoples' blogs and other web content which is written about Toyota.

According to AutoBlog, Bruce Ertmann is Toyota's "Corporate Manager of Consumer-Generated Media". He tracks what is being written about Toyota online. I hope he reads all of the posts here, and that he will pass on to Toyota that most Toyota drivers are really bad drivers. I hope he tells his bosses that driver (re-)education should be mandatory with the purchase of a new Toyota. And I really hope he enjoys his Corolla. It's certainly tan.

Fear This!

The tan Camry I was following this afternoon while running errands in my fancy European race car had a sticker in the back window, which is unfortunately illegible. It reads "FEAR THIS".

I literally do fear that. Every time I get in my car I'm afraid of the tan Camrys and Corollas I see. Those dents and scrapes on those tan Toyotas are mirrored on other, innocent vehicles all over the place.

Another thing I fear is MICROWAVE POPCORN. I told you readers months ago about the acrid stench of it, which had been banned by both the City of Seattle and by me in my home. Since then, two things have happened that have shown that I was way, way ahead of the curve on this popcorn problem.

The first thing happened about 1:00 AM on a Thursday morning last month when I was on vacation with my wife and daughter. While staying in an Embassy Suites hotel in one of our coutry's top three strip mall scourged suburbs, the fire alarm with automated voice annunciation started sounding, indicating that we needed to prepare to evacuate. There were sirens, a disembodied voice, and a screaming two-year old. The culprit: a hotel guest who burned their microwave popcorn. The lobby was filled with disheveled guests, while the sloppy night manager stammered apologies about the "false alarm". The alarm was real. And so was the stench. It all came from that bag of chemicals and popcorn.

The second thing happened last week, when the dangers of diacetyl were made public. Diacetyl is a buttery flavoring used in products like microwave popcorn, popcorn oil (for use in movie houses), potato chips, and other junky food that fat or poor people eat. It turns out that people in factories where food products are made from diacetyl are suffering lung failure from exposure to the chemical. Manufacturers are scrambling to find replacement ingredient(s) for diacetyl. Perhaps they should (a) stop making microwave popcorn, and (b) start using BUTTER to make butter flavored things.

Banning microwave popcorn is still a viable issue in my campaign for governor. So is an overhaul of the Washington State Patrol. Now they've started yet another "crackdown" on speeding on I-5 in the Seattle area. Word is that whereas they used to give speeders a 5-MPH leeway, now they get only a 3-MPH leeway. Sounds like revenue generation at its finest. I insist that the roads would be safer if the KEEP RIGHT EXCEPT TO PASS law was strictly enforced.

Oh and another thing... don't get me started on "illegal use of vehicle horns"...

You may have an expensive car, but you don’t know how to drive it!

I attended a performance driving school this week in my fast, fancy European sport wagon, the Volvo V70R. It’s got 300 HP, All-wheel drive, and a 6-speed manual transmission. I special-ordered it from the factory to be sure I got the exact high-performance car I wanted.

The school consists of a morning classroom session followed by driving exercises focusing on car control, handling, and braking. Then we drive at slow speeds (50-60 MPH max) around the racetrack to become familiar with it. After lunch and a short discussion of the track, we spend the afternoon lapping at speeds with which we are comfortable, and which our vehicles can handle.

One year ago, a bunch of us owners of new Volvo R cars were invited to a local European dealership chain’s performance driving school. Six or seven of us attended last year. The dealership chain sells Mercedes, Porsche, Audi, and Volvo, and most of the other cars were Porsches.

I decided to attend again this year. Four of us from last year’s crew were debating attending, but this year only two of us did. The other repeat attendee recently sold his S60R and bought a used 2004 Porsche 911 Carrera 4S. He has 3 kids, his wife drives a Toyota Sienna minivan. I’m afraid an entire fleet of Porsches won’t make up for owning a Toyota Sienna minivan. But I digress. His Porsche is below. He's going faster than my high-end digital camera makes it look.


This year, the only other Volvo at the school was a new 2007 XC70: basically, a decently powered, tall station wagon on very soft springs with an automatic transmission. I’m thrilled I wasn’t driving it. I can't imagine.

About half of the remaining cars were Porsches (mostly 911s but a few Boxsters), about half were Audi sedans (mostly S4, with an RS4 thrown in plus a TT, A6 and A8). The handful of others were an Acura NSX, Mazda RX7, and a handful of Mercedes: CLS550, CLK55 AMG, C230 Sport, and new GL320 diesel (yes, their biggest SUV, in a 6-cyl diesel), as well as a new Infiniti G35S sedan and a first-gen G35 coupe.

We had 2 run groups at the school, so that half of the cars were on the track at a given time. The GL, CLS, and C230 were all in my run group, as was the G35S. The CLS was driven by a 40 year old Chinese man who spoke with a very thick accent, and who explained that he bought himself the car several months ago for his 40th birthday. Seriously, he looked like a bad driver, even when standing apart from his car. The CLS is a BIG car, but the 550 isn’t the performance version of that vehicle. As we were standing around discussing our cars, he explained that it has a 6-speed automatic transmission (it’s actually 7 speeds). One of the other Mercedes drivers (the C230 driver) asked about the paddle shifters on the steering wheel. Mr. CLS said there are no paddle shifters. It turns out he didn’t know what those things behind the steering wheel were, he thought they operated the cruise control which he had never used. Looks like he’s off to a good start…

When we got out on the track, the C230 and the GL were obviously underpowered in comparison to the other vehicles on the track. They were easy targets for passing. The CLS was an easy target because the driver didn’t understand what a “Line” through the corner was, nor was he able to understand when it was best to use the accelerator or brake pedals to quickly make his way around the track. He was an idiot. He should have been cited for DWA. He did get to see the R’s taillights pulling away more than once.
Better him than me!

The Porsche owners in attendance were split in to two groups: The gearhead guys who bought their cars to drive them fast (and already knew how to), and the poseurs who bought Porsches so they could be seen in Porsches. I passed two such 911s in my R. If I can outrun your new Porsche in my Volvo wagon, you probably shouldn’t be driving a Porsche. You should be driving a Camry. Also, just a tip: don’t wear Birkenstock sandals to driving school... or even to just drive your Porsche. Just ride the bus. Idiot!
(Birkenstock guy holding up the erstwhile R owner)

Interestingly enough, two different Porsches had mechanical problems while on the track. The first was towed in after it started smoking heavily from the exhaust after turn 2. The second I actually found by driving right into a smoke cloud exiting turn 2. Somehow on fast, sweeping left-hand turns oil can enter the intake, causing it to be ingested to the cylinders. Evidently, it’s a known problem with Porsche 6-cylinder engines. Yes, really… Porsches have this problem at race tracks. It’s shameful. No wonder the only dealer representative at the track was the Porsche Service Manager. He “fixed” the problem by wiping the oil from the intake with rags, and revving the engines in the parking lot to burn all of the oil off. What a sight. Seems like the service department at the Porsche store must keep busy.

The guy in the G35S had cool Puma driving shoes, poor driving skills, and a terribly unattractive car. The new G35 sedan is being tested by the auto magazines as a BMW 3-series competitor, but I don’t know how people can credibly compare the two when the new G35 is so anonymously styled. He thought his car was way cooler than my R. I guess "cooler" doesn’t mean faster around the track, loser!

On my final laps, light rain began to fall. It’s so liberating to drive 100 MPH with the windows open in the rain, feeling the fresh air buffeting the cabin, sensing the car and the track with my eyes, ears, nose, skin, and the “seat of my pants”. For any of you loyal readers who are actual “car drivers” rather than “automobile operators”, I recommend a performance driving school. It will help you become a better driver, learn the handling limits of your car, and give you a day of enjoyment lapping on the race track. The extra bonus is that you can come home and make derisive comments about all of the dumb-asses who own expensive cars and think they’re hot shit. What could be better than that?