Friday, 14 September 2007

Learn to drive, jackass!

Dear Dark Green Camry operator-

Thank you for making a right turn onto my street so wide that it forced me onto the shoulder this evening in order to avoid being hit by your crappy, ugly car. Without clueless, inconsiderate, unsafe drivers like you I wouldn't have anything to write about on my blog. I don't really mind drivng through the grass and gravel in my nice, clean Volvo, treating my wife and daughter to an off-road adventure. I needed a good excuse to test out my V70R's razor-sharp steering, as well as a reason to wash the car this weekend.

I hope that the next time you do that, another Camry is coming down the street instead of me in my Volvo. Because all of you Camry operators are such poor drivers, it will certainly wreck both of your cars, making our streets safer by getting you and your junky, poorly driven cars off of the roads.

Thanks again-
Mr. Anti-Camry

Tuesday, 11 September 2007

Selling a dented tan Corolla

My neighbors across the street are moving to the midwest. Their banged up tan Camry is already back there. Their Corolla is across the street, in their driveway, for sale.

So far, I've seen several people over "kicking the tires", asking questions, poking around, making offers well below the $7000 asking price. My neighbor complained to me that the book value is $7500, and asked me why people were offering just $6000 and complaining about the floor mats being dirty.

So, neighbor, let me tell you why:

1. There is a huge dent in the front fender just in front of the driver's door. And the right rear corner/bumper is caved in. Who wants to spend $7k on a dented Corolla? Who wants to spend that much on anything so dented? You can buy a perfectly good Saab 9-3 turbo for that price, which is just as reliable, infinitely more stylish, and actually fun to drive.

2. Your car is certainly a mess inside. You clean it twice a year (with a power washer) and there is visible garbage in the back window.

3. You have no service records, since you did all of the service by yourself in your driveway.

4. The passenger side headlamp is out. I noticed it last Thanksgiving, and it is still out.

5. Last night I saw you drive away with a full-sized couch tied to the roof of the car. If I were a prospective buyer I'd run the other way.

6. The wheels are cheap stamped metal whose paint is flaking off.

So summarize, dear neighbor, people aren't offering you very much money for your car because it is dented and junky. It isn't worth the Blue Book "good" amount because it isn't in good condition. You'll be lucky to get rid of it!

Monday, 10 September 2007

Hall of Shame

I'm proud to introduce a new feature to Anti-Camry. I'm calling it the Hall of Shame.

Hall of Shame posts will feature what we've come to know as the status quo in Camryland... the junky cars and ones parked "just like a Camry."

Tonight's Hall of Shame is courtesy of my family's walk to the local library. My daughter got to touch all the stuff in the library that every kid in town has already coughed on; while my wife and I got an eyefull of these two prime examples of today's Toyotas:

Exhibit A: Parking... those lines are really just a suggestion, right?

Exhibit B:

There's a whole world of these poorly driven, dented Toyotas, piloted by a legion of cluless idiots. So you're sure to see another Hall of Shame post very soon.

Friday, 7 September 2007

Big Brother-san is watching!

Just as Toyota has created a committee of people to make their cars more interesting, they've now got a guy who they're paying to read peoples' blogs and other web content which is written about Toyota.

According to AutoBlog, Bruce Ertmann is Toyota's "Corporate Manager of Consumer-Generated Media". He tracks what is being written about Toyota online. I hope he reads all of the posts here, and that he will pass on to Toyota that most Toyota drivers are really bad drivers. I hope he tells his bosses that driver (re-)education should be mandatory with the purchase of a new Toyota. And I really hope he enjoys his Corolla. It's certainly tan.

Wednesday, 5 September 2007

Fear This!

The tan Camry I was following this afternoon while running errands in my fancy European race car had a sticker in the back window, which is unfortunately illegible. It reads "FEAR THIS".

I literally do fear that. Every time I get in my car I'm afraid of the tan Camrys and Corollas I see. Those dents and scrapes on those tan Toyotas are mirrored on other, innocent vehicles all over the place.

Another thing I fear is MICROWAVE POPCORN. I told you readers months ago about the acrid stench of it, which had been banned by both the City of Seattle and by me in my home. Since then, two things have happened that have shown that I was way, way ahead of the curve on this popcorn problem.

The first thing happened about 1:00 AM on a Thursday morning last month when I was on vacation with my wife and daughter. While staying in an Embassy Suites hotel in one of our coutry's top three strip mall scourged suburbs, the fire alarm with automated voice annunciation started sounding, indicating that we needed to prepare to evacuate. There were sirens, a disembodied voice, and a screaming two-year old. The culprit: a hotel guest who burned their microwave popcorn. The lobby was filled with disheveled guests, while the sloppy night manager stammered apologies about the "false alarm". The alarm was real. And so was the stench. It all came from that bag of chemicals and popcorn.

The second thing happened last week, when the dangers of diacetyl were made public. Diacetyl is a buttery flavoring used in products like microwave popcorn, popcorn oil (for use in movie houses), potato chips, and other junky food that fat or poor people eat. It turns out that people in factories where food products are made from diacetyl are suffering lung failure from exposure to the chemical. Manufacturers are scrambling to find replacement ingredient(s) for diacetyl. Perhaps they should (a) stop making microwave popcorn, and (b) start using BUTTER to make butter flavored things.

Banning microwave popcorn is still a viable issue in my campaign for governor. So is an overhaul of the Washington State Patrol. Now they've started yet another "crackdown" on speeding on I-5 in the Seattle area. Word is that whereas they used to give speeders a 5-MPH leeway, now they get only a 3-MPH leeway. Sounds like revenue generation at its finest. I insist that the roads would be safer if the KEEP RIGHT EXCEPT TO PASS law was strictly enforced.

Oh and another thing... don't get me started on "illegal use of vehicle horns"...