Learn to drive, jackass!

Dear Dark Green Camry operator-

Thank you for making a right turn onto my street so wide that it forced me onto the shoulder this evening in order to avoid being hit by your crappy, ugly car. Without clueless, inconsiderate, unsafe drivers like you I wouldn't have anything to write about on my blog. I don't really mind drivng through the grass and gravel in my nice, clean Volvo, treating my wife and daughter to an off-road adventure. I needed a good excuse to test out my V70R's razor-sharp steering, as well as a reason to wash the car this weekend.

I hope that the next time you do that, another Camry is coming down the street instead of me in my Volvo. Because all of you Camry operators are such poor drivers, it will certainly wreck both of your cars, making our streets safer by getting you and your junky, poorly driven cars off of the roads.

Thanks again-
Mr. Anti-Camry

The Storyteller

Let’s just say that you were at a social gathering, and there was a guy telling the entire assembled group a story, about how people think the rules apply to everybody except for themselves. He began to tell some stories about examples of this behavior.

As an example, the storyteller mentions those traffic circles in neighborhood intersections, saying that for a “left turn”, you’re really supposed to go 270° around the circle rather than cutting the corner to the left, but that he figures that rule applies “to everybody else”, that it’s OK for him to cut the corner.

Then he gives another example, one about talking on the cell phone while driving. He says it can be distracting, but he feels that he’s a better driver than most people; it’s OK for him to talk on the phone while driving.

All the while, you’re thinking that this guy is your typical Camry driver. Not so much oblivious to the rules of the road as figuring that because he’s a “good” driver, the rules don’t’ really apply to him. Mister Unremarkable, who feels that it’s just fine to bend the rules a bit. Umm hmm. You might become more and more disenchanted with the story, while gaining insight into the average Camry driver’s mind.

When the story is over, people are mingling, and maybe you go ask Mr. Unremarkable if his stature as a great storyteller grants him the privilege to cut corners and yak while driving. He just laughs and says something like “Yep, perks of the job, I guess.”

After the gathering is over and you’ve eaten all of the host’s very good food, you head out to the parking lot, and as you’re pulling out in your sleek Euro ride, you see the grand storyteller getting into his car. What do you think he drives? As if the stars had foretold this moment, you witness the storyteller climb into his tan Camry with a dented rear bumper and drive away.

Oh my God! Slow Down! It's the Police!

What is it about seeing a police or State Patrol car on the freeway that causes people who are driving along - with their cruise control set exactly at the speed limit- to slam on the brakes and drive slower?

During a recent trip on a largely uncrowded Interstate, I came upon a pack of cars crusing along at 67-68 MPH in a 70 MPH zone. The cars were clumped up behind a blue government-issue Crown Victoria with “exempt” plates, indicating a government. The vehicle was not marked with any departmental decals.

Even though the Crown Vic was cruising along at 68 MPH with both front and rear seat passengers, nobody would pass it. Nor would anybody move over to get behind it. A yellow Explorer and an ivory Lexus LS 430 (the rich man’s Camry) were running the roadblock next to the Crown Vic, neither speeding up or slowing down. This is the type of thing that drives me CRAZY.

After maybe 10 minutes of this frustration, the LS430 finally slowed enough to get behind the Crown Vic. That at last allowed me a free lane, where I was able to set my cruise control at 70 and pull away from all of these idiots. The Crown Vic was definitely not a police car. Just some chumps from some government agency on a road trip. The other vehicles still didn’t pass; they left the road block in effect for as long as I could see them in my rear view mirror. IDIOTS.

Don’t be afraid to drive the speed limit. As long as you’re not tailgating or driving aggressively, you won’t get a ticket for driving at the speed limit. If you’re not willing to do the speed limit, GET OUT OF MY WAY.

Bad driving isn't exclusive to Camrys

Several astute readers have pointed out to me (privately, not in the comments) that bad driving isn't limited to tan colored Toyotas. Surely I know that. However, pretty much every tan Toyota sedan is dented or scraped, and is poorly driven. Look at the next Camry or Corolla that goes by you. I'll bet it's dented or scraped. Seriously.

The fact that tan Toyotas aren't the only poorly driven cars was demonstrated to me a bit earlier today when the driver of a faded red Mazda hatchback sped up in a construction zone to be sure to not let any cars get in front of him. Cool move, I'm sure the flagger who jumped out of your way was thrilled. Jackass.

Just another reason to go to confession...

According to the BBC, the Vatican has issued a set of "Ten Commandments" for motorists to promote safer driving.

The "Guidelines for the Pastoral Care of the Road" call on drivers to respect speed limits, refrain from drinking before driving and avoid cursing. "Transgressions" while driving can cause road rage or accidents. The document also points out that using automobiles can become an "occasion of sin", especially if used for dangerous driving or prostitution.

Is this what the Church is doing to maintain its relevance in the world, hot on the heels of all the sex abuse allegations which have essentially bankrupted the church in the USA?

I can see it now: "Forgive me, Father, for my transgressions. I swore at that bitch in the Camry, and made an obscene gesture toward the jackass in the Hummer." Amen.