Learn to drive, jackass!

Dear Dark Green Camry operator-

Thank you for making a right turn onto my street so wide that it forced me onto the shoulder this evening in order to avoid being hit by your crappy, ugly car. Without clueless, inconsiderate, unsafe drivers like you I wouldn't have anything to write about on my blog. I don't really mind drivng through the grass and gravel in my nice, clean Volvo, treating my wife and daughter to an off-road adventure. I needed a good excuse to test out my V70R's razor-sharp steering, as well as a reason to wash the car this weekend.

I hope that the next time you do that, another Camry is coming down the street instead of me in my Volvo. Because all of you Camry operators are such poor drivers, it will certainly wreck both of your cars, making our streets safer by getting you and your junky, poorly driven cars off of the roads.

Thanks again-
Mr. Anti-Camry

Idiot Corolla operator at the gas station!

I stopped by the local Costco gas today in my snooty Euro-Sportwagon and, fortunately, I was able to pull right up to begin fueling my thirsty car with premium gas.

In the next lane over, a car had pulled away from the front pump but a second car was still fueling at the rear pump. Typical etiquette is to pull around the car which is still fueling and back up to align yourself with the pump. However, the Fat Female in the filthy white Corolla was just sitting there waiting for the second car to leave. She had her windows open. The station attendant approached the car and told the lady she could pull around. Her response was something like "No, I'll just wait, I'm not that good at backing up." WTF??!!

Fortunately there was nobody behind her. If I had been behind her I would have had an anyeurism, or shouted obscenities at her, or pulled around her, effectively "cutting" in line. Or maybe all three.

This is just another example of why Corollas and Camrys (and probably all Toyotas) should come with mandatory driver training. If this female couldn't pull around the car in front of her and back up a few feet to fill up her car, she probably shouldn't even be on the road. Imagine how many fewer cars we'd have on the road if the new Toyotas had this mandatory Driver Training requirement... people would take the class, fail the exam, and their blandmobiles would just have to be parked at home or returned to the dealership.

Right. Well, we can dream, at least.

Oh my God! Slow Down! It's the Police!

What is it about seeing a police or State Patrol car on the freeway that causes people who are driving along - with their cruise control set exactly at the speed limit- to slam on the brakes and drive slower?

During a recent trip on a largely uncrowded Interstate, I came upon a pack of cars crusing along at 67-68 MPH in a 70 MPH zone. The cars were clumped up behind a blue government-issue Crown Victoria with “exempt” plates, indicating a government. The vehicle was not marked with any departmental decals.

Even though the Crown Vic was cruising along at 68 MPH with both front and rear seat passengers, nobody would pass it. Nor would anybody move over to get behind it. A yellow Explorer and an ivory Lexus LS 430 (the rich man’s Camry) were running the roadblock next to the Crown Vic, neither speeding up or slowing down. This is the type of thing that drives me CRAZY.

After maybe 10 minutes of this frustration, the LS430 finally slowed enough to get behind the Crown Vic. That at last allowed me a free lane, where I was able to set my cruise control at 70 and pull away from all of these idiots. The Crown Vic was definitely not a police car. Just some chumps from some government agency on a road trip. The other vehicles still didn’t pass; they left the road block in effect for as long as I could see them in my rear view mirror. IDIOTS.

Don’t be afraid to drive the speed limit. As long as you’re not tailgating or driving aggressively, you won’t get a ticket for driving at the speed limit. If you’re not willing to do the speed limit, GET OUT OF MY WAY.